By Troy Torres
(Tumon, Guam) Sen. Joe San Agustin made a weird motion to suspend a segment of the Legislature's Standing Rules. He moved to suspend Section 1.02(10) of the rules, "in the spirit of Halloween" on behalf of the Legislature's employees.
A review of the rules shows this segment of the rules is about attire. It states, "At all Sessions of I Liheslaturan Guåhan, for all those admitted on the Floor or in the reporters’ gallery, attire shall be appropriate. T-shirts, shorts, sandals, jeans, and zories are not appropriate. The Sergeant-at-Arms shall exclude anyone not appropriately attired."
The Legislature is expected to be in session through Halloween, so the employees are putting on a display of their costumes, while the senators are in session.
It is unclear whether any of the senators will dress up in costumes for this event, though we humbly believe many of them have been wearing masks for quite some time.
We are able to confirm that Sen. Amanda Shelton will be going to session as a gambling vampire, who sucks the blood money out of the poor families of Guam. She will be wearing her standard gray or black business suit without any makeup.
Meanwhile Sen. Louise Borja Muna will be going as herself, in commemoration of the biblical story of Jezebel from the tower.
Yona Mayor Jesse Blas will not be able to attend the festivities, as he is presently incarcerated. He tried to return his costume, which was a simple Foremost ice bag, but federal authorities have prohibited his contact with mailboxes for obvious reasons.
Former Speaker Judi Won Pat is rumored to be making an appearance.
She will fly her broomstick from the Guahan Academy Charter School and circle around the Guam Congress Building, harping: "Keep up the good work, my pretties!"
Sen. Kelly Marsh (Taitano) has not yet decided her costume.
She either will show up to session as a Taitano, the ancient Pulattat, or as Rachel Dolezal, the former NAACP leader who was outed as a white woman pretending to be black in 2015.
Sen. Joe San Agustin will be dressed as a former Rev and Tax inspector with absolutely no ties whatsoever to the Bank of Guam or to Guam Music, Inc. Part of his accessories will be a bill to roll back the business privilege tax increase, which Ms. Won Pat will yank from his hands via a monkey.
Seaport deputy manager Connie Jo Brennan Shinohara will be wearing a sandwich board with the impression of her since-retracted letter of resignation.
Her costume will be funded by either unreported revenue or Bank of Guam loans collateralized by Johnny Cool Torres's several land investments.
Tyrone Taitano, director of the Bureau of Statistics and Plans, will be dressed as a man.
So will Sen. Wil Castro.
KUAM news reporter Chris Barnett, as we understand, will be conducting interviews as a sober man who is not obsessed with Congressman Michael San Nicolas.
Former Congresswoman Madeleine Bordallo will be having her hair done throughout the occasion.
Gov. Lou Leon Guerrero will be dressed as a nice person with zero personality, who keeps her campaign promises.
Former Lt. Gov. Ray Tenorio is a douchebag.